A thrill of hope...

When I'm home alone I go into their room. I close my eyes and imagine what it will be like to tuck them in, in those little twin beds. Reading them goodnight stories, playing Hungry Hungry Hippos sprawled out on the floor. Helping them with their homework at the kitchen table. Baking cookies together.

Today we have part 2 of our homestudy with Candace. After that, one more visit and then our paperwork will be done. Then we wait for a placement. This Christmas season, my  heart is so full of anticipation that it feels like it could burst. Soon, oh so soon, I will be a mom. Something I always knew I would do, something I've always wanted from the deepest parts of me.

Our journey to parenthood has been different from that of most people we know. Fingerprinting, DHS classes, strangers touring our home, interviews. Preparing to love little souls who have been through more than their fair share. Preparing to open our hearts to them, knowing that they may not be ours to keep forever.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't scared. Terrified, even. Our whole life is about to change dramatically, and some days it feels like I'm completely unprepared. I'm thankful that Joseph is my partner in this, that this is something we both feel called to do, that I'm not doing it alone.

More than that, though, I look around at all we have and I think - why wouldn't we do this? God has truly blessed us, more than we could ever deserve. Why would we not want to share it with a child who needs a home? Why would we not welcome them in with open arms? More than 400,000 children are in foster care in the United States. Jesus said that whoever welcomes a little child in his name, welcomes him.

During advent, we prepare our hearts to welcome Jesus. I cannot think of a more fitting way to spend this Christmas season than preparing to welcome a child into our home, in Jesus' name.

I'm so overwhelmed by God's goodness, and humbled that he would call us to this. We are ready for January :)

You are good.

 Once upon a time, I used to write songs. That needs to happen again. I want my heart to be filled with so much love for Jesus that it overflows with song - even if it's a song about brokenness and trusting that Jesus is good even when life doesn't seem that way. I found this tonight as I was going through old files and the message of it whispered to my heart - draw in closer. Draw in closer. I am good.

You Are Good

Broken I fall at your feet

Is it you who’s done this to me?

I placed my life in your hands

And now here I am

Your mercy it keeps me alive

For this weary land is so dry

Pour out on me now, God

Here I am

You are good, you are good

You are good

Through it all I will sing

You are good, you are good

Lord, you are good to me

Empty I come to your throne

After facing this valley alone

Strengthen my heart with Your word

Lord, here I am

Your nearness is all I desire

Though you call me to walk through the fire

The flames they will not overcome

Lord, here I am

You are good, you are good

You are good

Through it all I will sing

You are good, you are good

You always remain, you stay the same

Forever and always

I will walk with you, I will sing for you

Forever and always

Forever and always

You are good, you are good

You are good

Through it all I will sing

You are good, you are good

Lord, you are good to me

Eucharisteo.

For the first time in what feels like forever, my heart is quiet. My head is not spinning. My mind is at ease.

Creating this room for silence was relatively simple. Deactivate Facebook. Unsubscribe to the plethora of emails that bombard me daily with this deal and that fashion advice. Remove some apps from my phone. Remove some obligations from my calendar.

Today is my day off work and I am up before noon. This is different than how I have been…hiding under the covers until half the day is gone. No, today is different. It is good. Something has been ignited inside me. It started as a dissatisfaction, a gnawing for more. More what, I did not know. Certainly not more possessions. I am up to my ears in STUFF. I have been working diligently to get rid of the stuff. No, not more things. But more. A deeper, truer experience in my day-to-day life. More meaning. More purpose. More…something.

Then yesterday the book One Thousand Gifts was placed in my hands. I stayed up late delving into it, and each page I turned breathed new life into me. Every paragraph was whispering into the dry and weary parts of my heart. I want to experience eucharisteo - a life of thanksgiving that ushers salvation into every nook and cranny of my life. I am tired of feeling dissatisfied, when I really do have everything I could ever need or want. When did it cease to be enough? No, it is more than enough. Let’s get back to that.

“I remember once sitting at the hairdresser’s. The woman beside me reads, and I read her title in the reflection of the mirror: 1000 Places to See Before You Die. Is that it? Are there physical places that simply must be seen before I stop breathing within time, before I inhale eternity? Why? To say that I’ve had reason to bow low? To say that I’ve seen beauty? To say that I’ve been arrested by wonder? Isn’t it here? Can’t I find it here?...Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it? Do we truly stumble so blind that we must be affronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur? The very same surging magnificence that cascades over our every day here. Who has time or eyes to notice? All my eyes can seem to fixate on are the splatters of disappointment across here and me…

I don’t need more time to breathe so that I may experience more locales, possess more, accomplish more. Because wonder really could be here – for the seeing eyes.”  - Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts